Dear God I love him so much. Dont know why dont know how dont even know why i feel like I shouldnt. But i do. He's beautiful, and extremely talented. He really is smarter than he thinks. SO much smarter. He's one of the greatest people Ive ever met. Im not using correct punctuation and what not, thats cause im spitting off my brain. He is so beautiful. I couldnt even say more. But i think he takes me for granted. I think inside he truly does love me and want to spend his days with me, but reputation and image is everything right? No. Not to me. The mentality of fast-pace societies, such as America. Love forbidden.

Sometimes I wish I had no emotions. They can be the death of one. They change your introspection. It hurts. It hurts me atleast. Too much change at once, the human mind cannot take it. [Or so they say.] I will change that. After all, anything is possible.

But still, sometimes I wish I had no emotions. I wish I could turn them off like a light switch. That way the bad news that my only grandparent (and best friend),  has just died, would not affect me at all. I would know she was gone, but that is all I would feel. Or the fact that a person I devoted a great portion of my energy and life to...basically when I gave him my heart he just took it without wanting it, kept it because it was the right thing to do, and when the incident happend, gave it back to me in the form of a small pile of dust. When that all came to the light, I would feel no pain, no regrets, no loneliness, or anything. I'd just go on with my life as if I were an innocent child, that had not been exposed to the harsh realities of life.

These events, they haunt me. I have tried to put the saying, "Let go and let God" into action. But I need help. I don't know what I am doing wrong. Actually, I think I've done that. Now I am healing. A healing process that could take...God knows how long. But, I will heal. I know it.

*Excuse my language in this post. I was talking out of...something else.

"Bitch you betta shut the fuck up." And he said in the beginning that he would never call me that word, or ever let anyone else call me that word. If they did, he would stand up for me. Ain't he full of shit? Yes, yes he is. My response (Note I simply hung up once he said that): Nigga you have lost your damn mind talking to ME like that! I do not need you, and frankly I am starting to not want you anywhere around me! You gonna say dumb, disrespectful shit like that, please say it to me in my face! And for your information, I don't need your "help" (Hence the earlier sentence, "If they did, he would stand up for me.") But thanks anyway. For wasting my damn time. Not to mention my energy, text messages, talking minutes, and life.

Even my buddy, or whom I thought was my buddy, said that rude word in the phone to me. People nowadays have no...concern of other people's feelings. They have no concern of what may be going on in your life at that time, or let alone inside of you. Both of them can ask me if I am still their friend, but all they will get from me is a blank stare, a snicker, a judging look, and that one last memory of my back to them. Ha! You've surely got me twisted. Dick.