Chapter 49:  Acceptance

 

The ceremony felt pointless to James as he walked through the lines of soldiers.  He paid little attention to the ceremony going on around him, his mind in the past and his eyes frequently wandering up to the sky.  It was only when he nearly tripped that he stopped looking towards the heavens and began focusing on the people around him.

Most of the people in the fort appeared as a blur.  He knew none of them, and those he had met before seemed like strangers to him.  He found Elizabeth in the crowd, who smiled kindly at him.  His eyes moved on, but snapped back toward Elizabeth, his heart racing, while Jacqueline’s heart remained slow and strong as usual.

James had sworn that he had seen a beautiful, dark-haired woman standing behind Elizabeth.  But apparently he had been imagining it.  He sighed softly, fighting to keep tears away as he thought of Jacqueline, the woman he loved but was doomed not to be with.

James and Elizabeth walked along the beach after the ceremony, watching John and the monkey playing further along on the beach.  “I really thought I saw her…

“James, it’s all right.”

James shook his head.  “I’m talking to her when she isn’t there, writing letters she will never read, and now I am seeing her in a crowd.”  He put a hand to his head.  “I fear I am losing my mind.”

“I’m sure you’re not.  I would have noticed.”  James shook his head doubtfully.  “And if you were, would you be aware of it?” Elizabeth asked.

“I don’t know,” James said with a sigh.

“You don’t have to move back to your manor yet, James, if you’re not ready,” Elizabeth offered.  “You’re always welcome in my home.”

James smiled.  “Thank you, but I do not wish to impose on your hospitality any longer.”

“It’s no problem, honestly,” Elizabeth replied.  “The house feels…full, as it should be.  And William needs a father,” she added quietly.  “And you make a good one.”

James smiled slightly.  “But William does have a father.”

“Not here,” said Elizabeth quietly.  “A boy needs a father, does he not?  And what about John?”

James thought for a moment.  “I will take John to my manor.  I cannot leave you with the burden of two children.”

Elizabeth smiled gratefully.  “I can bring him there tomorrow so you can have a night to…adjust,” Elizabeth said carefully.  James nodded.  “I believe he will enjoy living with you.  He thinks of you as a father now, anyway.”

“And of Jacqueline as a mother…”  James came to a halt.

Elizabeth took a few steps further before realizing that James was no longer with her.  “You still haven’t told him, have you?”

“No,” James replied softly, shaking his head.  “I suppose I will have to, though.  He cannot go on forever believing that she will return.”

“She might.”

James chuckled darkly.  “Then why hasn’t she already?  No, Elizabeth.  She is gone.  I need to accept that she’s never coming back, as does John.”  He took a deep breath.  “It would probably only be painful to see her again now, knowing that she would leave again…but she is a goddess.  She has much better things to do than spend time with a mere mortal.”

“But surely you want to see her.”

James closed his eyes and slowly shook his head.  “No.  No—it would be far too painful.”

“Oh.”  Elizabeth coughed.  “That’s a pity, seeing as she has been following us since we left the fort.”

James turned sharply towards Elizabeth.  “What?” he gasped.  He looked behind him, certain that he must have heard Elizabeth incorrectly.

But there was the beautiful young woman he so longed to see, walking in the shallows a short distance behind them, holding her dress up above the water.  She tucked a lock of dark hair behind her ear to keep it from her face as she eyed James rather nervously.  James looked from the goddess and back at Elizabeth.

“Well, go on,” Elizabeth said with a smile, motioning towards Jacqueline.  “I can find my own way home.”  She began walking towards John and Jack the Monkey.

James turned back to Jacqueline, who was looking at her feet as she kicked at the water.  James strode to her swiftly, grasping her shoulders and staring at her, taking in her beauty.  “Oh, Jacqueline!” he gasped, embracing her tightly.  He never wanted to let her go, but since it was obviously not practical to stand on the beach with his arms around her for eternity, James slowly backed away.  He opened his mouth to speak again, but found that he was unable to say a word.

“Hello, James,” Jacqueline said with a small smile.  Her bright blue eyes swept over his body.  “An Admiral again, I see.”  She sounded neither proud nor disappointed, and James wondered whether or not she approved of his returning to the Royal Navy.  “It looks like you are getting your life back.  The one before all this nonsense began with my father and all,” she said with a grin.

James smiled and swallowed hard.  “I…yes.  Yes, I suppose I am.”  His gaze fell to her mouth and a hand traveled up Jacqueline’s arm and to her neck.  He slowly lowered his fact to meet hers, closing his eyes and kissing her gently.  Jacqueline began to respond passionately, but James abruptly pulled away and turned his back to her.  “No…”

“James?”  Jacqueline put a hand on his shoulder.  “What’s wrong?”

“I was right,” James said quietly.  “It’s too painful.”  He put a hand over his mouth.  “I love you, Jacqueline—and I can’t bear knowing that you will leave me again.”  There was a brief silence.

“So you lied?”

James turned sharply to his love, noting the pain in her eyes that seemed to echo in the other heart in his chest.  “What?”

Jacqueline turned to look out at the sea.  “Nothing,” she breathed.  “Never mind.  I’ll just go now, then.  I’m sorry.”

“Wait, Jacqueline!” James said, almost panicking at the thought of her leaving as he caught her by the arm.  “I have never lied to you.”

“Apparently you have.  Maybe not out loud, but you have.”  Jacqueline pulled her arm from James’ grasp.

“I’ve never lied.”  James winced.  “Well, there was the time about Jack, but I swear—.”

“And just this morning.”

James’ brow furrowed.  “This morning?”

“About wanting to see me again, one last time and all that?”

James’ eyes widened.  “The letter,” he breathed.  “You’ve been reading them?”

“Was your love for me a lie as well?” she asked harshly, her eyes cold.

“I—no, of course not!”  Jacqueline shook her head as she turned away from him.  James grabbed her and turned her back to face him.  “I love you.  I have never lied about that.  I love you,” he repeated.  Jacqueline stared at him, her lips parted slightly as she tried to assess his sincerity.  “You must know…” James said quietly, his voice pained.  Jacqueline slowly nodded her head.

“Yes.  I suppose I do.”  James stared at her intensely, waiting for a specific answer.  Jacqueline tried to back away, appearing nervous under his gaze, but James did not allow her to move.  “James?” she questioned.

James blinked tears from his eyes.  “You can’t even say it, can you?”

Jacqueline dropped her gaze, avoiding making eye contact with him.  “What are you talking about?”

“You know very well what I’m talking about.”  James leaned closer to her, dropping his voice.  “If you can’t say it, how can I believe that you feel it?”

“Feel what?” Jacqueline said, shifting nervously.

“You don’t, do you?  You never loved me at all, did you?”  He raised his eyebrows when she said nothing.  “You can’t even deny that?”

The goddess gaped at him.  “I gave you my heart, James!”

“But that’s not the same thing, is it?  And it saved your life—giving away your heart freed you from your human bonds.”  He swallowed.  “And perhaps even freed you from the emotions you despised.”

“What?” Jacqueline gasped.

“You hated feeling anything.  You told me so yourself, Libertas.”  Her true name sounded so foreign to him.  “It was against your nature.  Having a heart never caused you anything but pain.  Well, congratulations.  You’re finally free.”  Tears filled James’ eyes as he looked away.

Both the hearts inside James’ chest pounded furiously as Jacqueline remained silent.  James dared not turn back to her.  “You…you actually believe that?” she finally said quietly, and James allowed himself to look back at her.  “Just because my heart is no longer in my chest doesn’t mean that I don’t feel anything.”  Jacqueline stepped closer to him and put a hand to the right side of his chest.  “It’s still here.”  James’ eyes momentarily dropped to Jacqueline’s chest before raising back up to her eyes.

“I have to know,” James breathed, his eyes pleading.  “Please, Jacqueline.”

Jacqueline moved closer to him, and James felt his heart racing in his chest as Jacqueline closed her eyes and tenderly pressed her lips to his.  She wrapped her arms about his neck, and the kiss quickly became fervent.  James’ strong arms held Jacqueline’s body close to his as they stood there on the beach, consumed by passion and desire.  Jacqueline finally pulled away and whispered in his ear.

“I love you, James Norrington.”  She swallowed hard and backed away from him.  “Which is why I cannot cause you more pain.  It is apparent that my presence hurts you somehow…”  James watched as Jacqueline fiddled with her gold ring, the ring he had given to her all those years before.  “You can have it back, if you want,” she offered when she saw what he was looking at.  “It is yours, after all.”

“No, no, Jacqueline; you keep it.”  He took her hands in his.  “Please keep it…”  James stroked the cool metal with his thumb, his watery eyes staring blankly down at their hands.

And that’s when he realized:  the ring was on her left hand.

James quickly moved to stand behind Jacqueline, making sure that he was not in error.  The emerald ring was clearly on Jacqueline’s left ring finger.  He spun her to face him.  “Really?” was all he managed to say.

Jacqueline dropped her gaze, flushing.  “Do you know where we are?”

James briefly scanned their surroundings—the beach, the ocean.  “This is…”  He swallowed with difficulty.  “This is where I asked you to be my wife.”  Jacqueline nodded silently.  James bit his lip as he remembered that evening.  She had turned him down then, but indicated that her answer would one day change.  “So you…”

“No, James.”  Tears appeared in her eyes.  “It would only cause you more pain when I have to leave.  I can’t hurt you like that.”  She turned away.  “I do not want to leave you.  But I have to.  And…”

“But you came here to accept, did you not?”

“It was my intention,” Jacqueline said shyly.  “But I did not think it through.  I would rarely be with you.  You deserve better.”

James laughed sharply, causing Jacqueline to turn back to him with curiosity.  “Better than you?  My love, it is you who deserves someone better than I.”  He smiled boyishly.  “There is no man nor god who deserves you.”

“And you do?” Jacqueline said, arching an eyebrow.

“I didn’t say that—quite the opposite, really.  No, I don’t.”  He swallowed hard.  “Are you…I mean…”

“If you’ll still have me,” Jacqueline said quietly.

James blinked, astonished that she believed that he might turn her away.  “Jacqueline…”  She gave a small yelp of surprise as James suddenly lifted her up off the ground as he embraced her.  “My God, yes!”  He kissed her passionately, hardly believing the moment to be real.  “My goddess, yes,” he whispered against her mouth before pulling away.  “How can you question that?”

Jacqueline blushed appearing rather flustered by his enthusiastic response.  “You understand that I…well, that I would not always be able to be with you.  Actually, I would have to leave quite often,” she admitted.  “I can’t guarantee…”

“I was willing to see you once a year, Jacqueline, and not even as your husband,” James pointed out.

Jacqueline giggled.  “True…but it may sometimes be longer.”

James was hardly listening to her anymore as he silently begged for this not to be a dream.  “How did Elizabeth know you were following us?” he asked suddenly.

Jacqueline’s hand twitched.  “Bringing her up at a time like this?” she said, arching an eyebrow, her lips pursed.

“Your jealous of me asking a question about her?” James said in surprise.  “Jacqueline…”

“You have been living with her.”

James found himself growing quite red as he realized what Jacqueline likely believed.  After all, both he and Elizabeth were alone…or had been.  “Jacqueline, we never shared a bed.  I lived on the other side of her home.”  Jacqueline studied him a moment before grinning.

“Good.  After what I read in that second letter of yours, I was afraid that your primeval desires may have overwhelmed you.”  She flushed and shifted.  “But I suppose you are generally a gentleman,” she said with a little wink.

“Oh, God, you read that…” James said in mortification, putting his head in his hands.  “Jacqueline, I am so sorry, I was drunk, I…”

“I particularly liked the third paragraph.”

James looked up at her.  Jacqueline was blushing deeply, but also smirking at him, delighted at his embarrassment.  “The third paragraph?”  James lifted her chin and kissed her gently.  “Care to remind me precisely what actions were in that section of the letter?” he said as he kissed her ear.

Jacqueline giggled as James kissed her neck.  “James,” she said in a warning tone as he pulled her body so it was almost fully against his.  “We’re not married yet, love.”

“We soon will be.”

“Society may not smile upon you suddenly marrying someone they have never known…except as Lord Beckett’s fiancé and then a pirate on the gallows…”

“To hell with society,” James breathed as he kissed Jacqueline’s ear again.  “They can think you’re a whore if they want, as long as I have you…”  Jacqueline tried to slap him, but James caught her wrist and grinned impishly.  “Not that anyone would mistake you for one,” he said, still smiling.  Jacqueline laughed quietly.

“Oh, James…”

James silenced her with another kiss.  “I already have our marriage planned.”

“You knew I was coming?” Jacqueline said in surprise as James took her by the hand.

“No.”  He kissed his bride-to-be again and looked out into the harbor.  “Trust me.”