Chapter 9:  Love and Hate

 

“Good morning, André.”

André flushed deeply as he saw James smiling shyly at him.  He nodded in return, finding his mouth too dry to speak.  James’ cheeks darkened slightly as he looked away.

André hurriedly got to work as he saw Captain Sparrow emerge from his cabin.  “Jamie, I want to see you in my cabin!”

André swallowed hard as he glanced behind him to see James obediently heading to the captain’s cabin.  André closed his eyes and said a brief prayer as fear gnawed at him.  Jack had known before when they had only kissed—God knows who saw or heard them the night before.

André wished that he had been in enough control of his feelings to keep those events from happening.  It had been passionate and oh-so-good, yes, but it had also been hurried and now he was deathly afraid that Jack knew about it.  If Jack did know, James would likely be punished for it, and André…André might be killed.

André frequently looked towards the door to Jack’s cabin, wondering what was happening inside.  He did not really want to think about it—sadly, the best-case scenario was Jack having his way with James.  André bit his lip and tried to focus on work, but it that strategy failed miserably.

The more time past, the more certain André was that Jack knew of what had happened the night before.  He dreaded his next encounter with the man.  André nearly jumped out of his skin as someone put a hand on his shoulder.

“Whoa, easy!  Are you all right?”

André took a deep breath to calm his heart as he looked at Mr. Gibbs.  “I’m fine, sir.  Just startled.  I was thinking,” he added at the disbelieving look the man gave him.

“About?”

André shrugged.  “My mind was just wandering.  Not sure where to.  Did you want something?”

Mr. Gibbs continued to eye him curiously.  “I was just wondering if you wouldn’t mind taking the helm for awhile.”

“No problem!”

As André went up the stairs to the helm, he heard what was unmistakably a wanton moan followed by “God, Jack!”

André grit his teeth in anger.  At least Jack probably did not know what had happened between James and André the night before.  But that did not comfort André at all.

He hated Jack.  Jack, with that bloody charming smile of his and those mischievous eyes.  Jack, with that stupid ego of his that made him believe that Captain Jack Sparrow was the greatest man on earth.  Jack, with that drunken sway and rambling speech that tricked many into believing he was less intelligent than he is.  Jack, who held part of James’ heart away from André…

Jack, who had saved James from hell.  Jack, who cared for James and was there for him when no one else was.  Jack, who was captain of a ship.  Jack, who was much more cunning than most believe.  Jack, with his body seemed only second to James’ in perfection…

André blinked and looked up at the main mast, where the pirate flag would be raised during an attack.  Jack, who had shown James a freedom he had never known…

André closed his eyes.  No wonder James loved Jack.  Jack had helped James, had been there for him, and had loved him in his darkest hour.  And where was André?  Wandering aimlessly around Port Royal and believing that James was dead.  Of course, that is what he had been told, but he still should have known better…

But André had gone to Tortuga and joined a pirate crew to help James.  That had to count for something.

André managed to get lost in thought for so long that he did not even notice James’ presence until he was offering him the compass again.  James was slightly flushed and his lips were dark red, likely swollen from kissing Jack.  André closed his eyes and cursed Jack.  He was surprised to feel a gentle kiss against his lips.  He opened his eyes just as James pulled back.

“He doesn’t know,” James breathed as he wrapped André’s hands around the compass.

“I gathered that,” André said, flushing in anger as he turned away.

James shifted his weight uncomfortably.  “André, I…”

“Why do you keep doing that?” André asked, his hand forming into a fist.  “Don’t you understand that you are better?”

“And don’t you understand that I love him?” James replied a little more sharply than he likely intended.

A tear escaped the side of André’s eye.  “Yes.  I do understand.”  André bit his lip.  “But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

* * *

James watched André silently, trying to decide whether or not to wipe that tear off of his face.  André refused to look at him, likely knowing exactly what had just happened between James and Jack.  And James was now thoroughly ashamed.  He felt even worse than when he had first considered that he was nothing but Jack’s pet.

Now he was in over his head—completely in love with two men.  And he could not have both.  Not forever.

While with Jack, he could not help but think of André and feel guilty, both about being with Jack and about thinking about André while with Jack.  With André, he felt ashamed of his relationship with Jack, and guilty for loving both of them.

And here was André, in more pain than he had probably had been in before their first and thus far only time together, and yet he certainly had no idea of the torment James’ heart was in.  The pain James caused André to feel was only a small bit of the agony that was ripping his heart to shreds.

André was not safe aboard the Black Pearl, so he would have to leave.  But James was not certain that he could go with him—he was not sure that he could leave Jack.  But not leaving Jack would mean abandoning André.  But just being with André while aboard Jack’s ship was endangering André, and being with Jack at all was hurting André, and the fact that both men loved and wanted him but hated the other was driving James mad.

No matter what he did, he would be hurting at least one of them.  Currently it was André—but what if James and André left?  Then it would be Jack.  And if James stayed with Jack, André would just continue feeling the pain.  And James would be suffering either way because of the guilt that was already consuming him even though he had not made any sort of decision yet.

What was the bloody point of love, anyway?  It would have all been better if James had just been nothing more than Jack’s whore.  Then he could have at least left.  And at least he would not be in the situation he was in right now.  At least he would not be condemned to the ridiculous amount of pain that seemed to make up his life.

“Damn it, André, do you think you’re the only one in pain here?” James said finally.  “Do you have any idea how fucking difficult this is for me?”  André gaped at him in shock.  “No matter what I do, even when I admit I love you, you’re still hurt!  I can’t help my feelings for Jack anymore than those for you, and although you seem to believe otherwise, there is no happily-ever-after solution to all this!”  James turned his back on André, crossing his arms about his bare chest.  “I can’t choose one without hurting the other, and my guilt is bad enough at it is.”  Unable to say more, James fell silent, his chest rising and falling rapidly.

“You love him?”

James probably should have been mortified to hear Jack’s voice at that moment, but he currently did not care.  “Unfortunately, yes.  And, also unfortunately, I happen to love you, too, Jack.”  James spun around to face the two.  Apparently Jack had just made his way up the steps to the helm.  “But that’s it.  It’s over between you and me, Sparrow.”  Jack’s surprised and angered expression was the perfect counterpoint to André’s triumphant smile.  “And nothing more is going to happen between us, Gillette.”

After a brief silence, both of the other men started talking.

“James, what—what are you talking about?” André said, his eyes filling with tears as his smile faded.  “Please…”

“Jamie, love, let’s go talk in my cabin,” Jack said, offering out his hand.

“No!” James snapped, backing away from the two.  “Just—no!  I hate the pair of you!”

Green eyes flashing, James quickly strode away from the helm, leaving the two men frozen in stunned silence.