Chapter 11:  Wandering

 

Suddenly a pair of strong arms was about his chest, pulling him from his perilous balance on the railing.  James pulled against whoever it was, trying to finish what he had started, but the other man’s will was stronger.  “Let me go!”

“I’m not about to let you kill yourself!”

James recognized the voice as Jack’s as he was pulled back away from the railing.  He swore he felt another pair of hands pulling at him as well, though the next thing he was sure about was being on Jack’s bed.  He curled up and started crying, completely uncaring of how he looked or seemed to whoever was watching.

“So close…”

“I know,” a voice that sounded choked up from crying said, stroking a hand through his hair.

“I just want to die,” James said, burying his face in the pillow that smelled like his captain.  “Just let me go.”

“Never, James.”  A hand was around his and an arm was about his waist.  He felt a body pressed close to his, holding him close and warming his cold body as he cried himself to sleep.

James’ eyes fluttered open.  He blinked, trying to remember where he was.  Jack’s cabin—he was never here in the morning.  Why was he here?  He had broken off his relationship with Jack, and with André for that matter, and he last remembered being at the bow of the ship.  His eyes hurt, like he had been crying.

He unconsciously curled up closer to the warm body he felt nearby.  He bit his lip as he abruptly remembered being on the railing, prepared to die.  He felt so foolish now.  Death was not the answer, surely.  He had been pulled away—by Jack?  James finally focused on the body he was curling up to, his arm somehow around the man’s waist.  But it was not Jack.

James sat up in surprise as he recognized André’s red hair.  In doing so, James awoke the man who had his arm around his waist, and Jack opened his eyes and sat up.  Before James could form a coherent sentence, Jack had grabbed James and was holding him tightly to his chest.  “Never do that again, Jamie.  Never think of it.”

“Please.”  James saw André sitting up beside them and put a hand on James’ shoulder.  “I don’t know what I’d do if…if you…”

“But…”

“Shh.”  Jack pressed his lips to James’ forehead.  “Sleep, Jamie.  You need rest.”

“I’m fine,” James lied, trying to move from the bed, but he found himself surrounded.

“No, James.  You should sleep.”  André leaned forward and gently touched his lips to James’.  He pulled back quickly, blushing and eyeing Jack nervously, but Jack made no hostile move towards him.

James sighed and lay back down, feeling rather awkward with Jack and André watching him.  “Could you leave me alone?”  Jack appeared worried and André looked a little hurt, so James quickly added, “I just don’t think I can rest with you two hanging over me like that.”  Jack looked at André with an arched eyebrow, and André growled softly as he climbed off the bed and left the room.  “Jack?”

“Sorry, mate.  I’m not leaving you alone, not after that.”  He ran his hand slowly through James’ hair.  “Go to sleep, love.”

* * *

Jack watched James sleep, smiling softly, although the smile did not quite reach his eyes.  Jack had been unaware of James’ deep feelings for André before his outburst by the helm, and he had been thoroughly unprepared for him telling Jack that he loved, yet hated, him.  James had told him before that he loved him, and Jack had not realized until recently that Jack never returned the sentiment.  André had been much more open and caring—it was no wonder James had fallen in love with André.

Even after hearing that James was dead, André had followed the rumors of James’ survival to Tortuga.  Upon discovering that James was part of Jack’s crew, he actually joined the pirate crew, knowing the great risk to his honor and life.  André had been trying to protect James and bring him back to his former life in Port Royal.  Jack chuckled quietly—damn, that man was loyal!

Jack brushed his fingers along James’ arm before gently covering him up with a blanket.  To think that James had nearly jumped off the ship the night before, intent on dying in the icy and unforgiving waters.  Granted, Jack loved the sea and planned on dying while at sea.  Jack closed his eyes and put a hand to his head.  What could have prompted James to such extreme action?

He could answer that question very quickly, given James’ brief tirade.  James did not want to hurt either of them, and believed that he was hurt both of them because of his love for the other.  And he was correct.  It did hurt for Jack to know that James’ heart was not completely his.  Jack also suspected that André was very unhappy with Jack’s intimate relationship with James.  And James was in constant pain because of his guilt for loving both of them.

But surely all would be worse off if James died.

Jack lay down beside James and wrapped his arms about him, pulling him close and cherishing the warmth and life that had almost been lost.  He closed his eyes, desiring to fall asleep and enter dreams where he and Jamie were not in pain.

But instead he found his mind plagued with thoughts about the future.  James had broken off his relationships with the two of them.  It had been a spur of the moment action, but what if he still held to it?  And what would happen?  What did he plan on doing?  Where would he go?  Would he choose to leave with André and return to his position in Port Royal?  There was certainly ample reason for him to do that.  Or would he stay with Jack?  Jack hoped that there was good reason for James to choose that course as well.  Or would he do something different, something to keep him away from both of them?

Jack cursed silently as a worried knot in his stomach began eating at him and filling him with fear as he thought of the worst possibilities.  He was becoming ridiculous—even considering James killing Jack and André—but he still could not keep his mind from wandering.  He tightened his grip around James.  He did not want to let his Jamie go.

* * *

André could not concentrate on anything as he tried to get Jack’s compass to work again.  He wanted to find that chest that James had kept talking about before and get the Black Pearl there as quickly as possible.  Then he could take James back to Port Royal.  But for now, his mind was wandering.

But what if James did not want to return to Port Royal?  What if he chose to stay here—chose Jack?  André frowned.  The best life for James would be in Port Royal, he knew it, but would he be happier there?  What if he was happier here?  Then of course André would leave him here.  After all, James could not have the freedom he enjoyed at sea while in Port Royal, especially not if he got his position in the Royal Navy back.

In fact, James and André would likely not be able to be together.  If James returned to ‘proper’ society, he would not want to break any of the rules.  He would want to be the perfect gentleman, as he was before—and being in a relationship with André would then be impossible…

But André had not come to rescue James just because he wanted a relationship with him.  He came because he loved him and wanted to rescue him.  But now he was not so certain that he would be rescuing him if he took him back to Port Royal.

André sighed heavily and leaned on the railing.  This was going to take him a while to sort out.