Chapter 10:  Cold

 

André and Jack exchanged many glares and concerned looks throughout the day, both wanting to talk to James, but being afraid of his reaction.  Jack was obviously both confused and hurt—he had not even realized before that James loved André.  André was hurt and afraid—he did not dare talk to James, yet he wanted to so much.  He wanted to be there for him, but feared getting forced away.

James spent the day at the bow of the Pearl, stubbornly refusing to do any work or even move.  No one approached him until nightfall, when Jack hesitantly walked up beside him.  “It’s chilly tonight.”

“Is it?” James replied apathetically.

Jack saw that James’ bare skin was covered in goose bumps—he was cold, but did not want to admit it.  “You should get to bed.  You need rest.”  James said nothing.  Jack sighed and said, “You can sleep in my bed, if you’d be more comfortable.  I could take the hammock.”  James continued to remain silent.  Jack gazed at James sadly, wondering if he still felt as he had during his earlier outburst.  “Jamie, love, please…” Jack said, gently putting a hand on James’ arm.

“Get your hands off me,” James growled.  “And my name is not Jamie, and I am not your ‘love.’”

Jack kept his hand on James’ arm and dared to slide it down to James’ hand.  “Jamie, talk to me.  What’s wrong?  Is there anything dear old Jack can do?”

“You can keep your hands to yourself and stop calling me Jamie,” James said as he grit his teeth.

Jack moved closer to James, holding one hand in his while his other hand went to James’ waist.  “James, please,” he said quietly, using his best pout.

But James, instead of reacting as Jack expected, snarled at him and forcefully shoved him away, nearly causing Jack to lose his balance and tumble over the railing of the ship.  “I said keep your hands off of me.”

Jack stared at him with wide eyes.  His touch always got James to at least talk to him.  “Jamie…”

“I told you to stop calling me that,” James interrupted sharply.

“You shouldn’t talk to your captain in that tone, Jamie.”

James arched an eyebrow at him, quickly surveying him.  “You are not my captain.”

Jack’s mouth dropped open as James turned back to the sea.  It took a few moments for Jack to regain his composure.  “Then you don’t belong on this ship.”

“I know.”

Jack’s breath quickened in anger at James’ attitude and this betrayal.  “Then how do you propose we rectify the situation, Mr. Norrington?”

“Kill me?”

The silence that followed was nearly unbearable.  Jack was finally the one to break it, his voice weak.  “No.  I can’t…I wouldn’t.”  James scoffed, almost in annoyance.  “You…you don’t really think I could do that, Jamie…do you?”

“My name is not Jamie.”

And Jack finally decided to give up for the night.  “I love you, Jamie.”  He quickly pressed his lips to James’ cheek before leaving.

* * *

André came above deck.  It was late at night, and he should have been asleep, but he found himself incapable of rest that night.  He was not very surprised to see a solitary man standing at the front of the ship.  Sighing sadly, André wondered whether or not he should go talk to him.  Surely James was cold—he was not even wearing a shirt.

André turned back and went below deck, grabbing a blanket before returning.  James was standing in the exact same location and position.  André hesitantly approached him, staring intently at the blanket in his arms.  James had to hear his approach, but he did not move a muscle.

Standing beside James, André continued staring down at the blanket.  James did not acknowledge his presence.  “James,” André began, wanting to pour out his heart and beg for…anything.  But instead he held out the blanket.  “I brought you this.”  Silence.  “I thought you might be cold.”

“No, I’m not.”  But just then James shuddered, crossing his arms tightly over his chest and searching for warmth.  André cautiously reached around and put the blanket on him.

“You should get some rest.”

“I’m fine.”

André swallowed hard and looked at his feet.  “I’m sorry, James.  I never meant to hurt you.  I only wanted to help you.  To-to get your life back.”  André shifted his weight nervously when James said nothing.  “What I told you before is true, sir.  I would do anything for you.”  James still did not respond.  “Please, James.  Give me an order.  Tell me what you want.  Do you want me to leave you alone?  You know what, I will.  I really will.  Do you want me to go hang myself?  I’ll do that, too.”

James finally moved slightly, his stance a little less stiff, but he still said nothing.

“Do you want me dead, James?” André asked timidly.

“No,” James answered simply.

André took a deep breath.  “Do you want me to leave you alone?”

“Yes.”

André’s mouth snapped shut and he nodded.  “All right.  Goodnight, James.”  He waited around a moment to see if James said anything else before walking away.

“André.”

André gasped and turned back quickly.  James was still staring out at the sea.  “Yes, sir?”

“Thank you.”

* * *

James shivered and pulled the blanket André had brought him closer about his shoulders.  It was a very cold night.  He looked down into the dark waters below, sighing quietly.  He hated himself for how he was treating the two men he loved, but he could see no other course.  He could not allow himself to be with either, not anymore.  He could not remain aboard the Black Pearl and he should not return to his life in Port Royal.  He needed to go somewhere, anywhere, where Jack and André could not follow.

It would be so hard to leave them, but he had to.  Yet, if he left, he would be hurting both.

James growled in frustration as he stared out into the darkness.  No matter what he did, he would be hurting someone, and himself.  After being rejected by Miss Swann, James had never believed that he would actually have two people in love with him, nor that he would love them both back.  Who knew that this could hurt more than rejection?

James winced, realizing that he had just rejected both Jack and André even though he loved them.  But that was the first step the breaking away, surely.  After a time, they would forget or at least move on.  As long as he was around, they had no chance of moving on.

He again looked down toward the icy water, wondering how quickly the cold could make him lose consciousness.  James glanced behind him at the nearly deserted deck.  The only crewmembers were near the helm, and one appeared to be sleeping.

James turned to look back into the dark ocean.  What if he simply vanished?  Jack and André would have no way of knowing what happened to him.  Perhaps they would actually get along without James around.  Who knows—perhaps the two could even end up as a couple.

James shrugged off the blanket, letting it fall to his feet.  He glanced behind him again as he gripped the railing of the ship.  The two crewmembers were not looking at him.  He could disappear over the edge and no one would know.  James tightened his grip on the wood, preparing to hoist himself over and into the water.

“Do you want me dead, James?”

James whirled around, but saw no one.  He shook his head, realizing he had just been imagining hearing André’s voice.

“Is there anything dear old Jack can do?”  James did not turn around this time, knowing that Jack’s voice was just in his mind.  “I love you, Jamie.”

“I love you too, James.”

“Shut up,” James said quietly, closing his eyes and trying to stop thinking about things Jack and André had said to him in the past.  His eyes still closed, James sat on the railing.  He cursed as he hesitated.  All three of them would be miserable as long as they were all on this ship.  This was the quickest way to help.  If he did not do this, André or Jack would end up killing the other.  He saw it in André’s eyes—he hated Jack and wanted him dead.  Jack had nearly killed André before, and he hated how André held part of James’ heart.  And James could not let either one die.

Anyway, once he was overboard he would be with his true love forever—the sea.

He smiled as he tensed, prepared to dive into the icy depths.