I am man. Man make fire. Man cook meat on fire until it look burnt*.

Yes, as part of the lengthy foreplay before I get to pop my patio cherry, I have just purchased my first ever barbecue. And what a mighty beast it is.

Well, by 'mighty', I mean cheap. And in this context 'beast' == 'gas-powered appliance'**. But still, I'm excited. Although I think my excitement might soon be tempered by a handful of forthcoming frustrations.

Potential Frustration #1: Assembly

Despite the apparent simplicity of The Mighty Beast once assembled, it would appear to be composed of an alarmingly large number of pieces. Look:

And in case that picture does not fully demonstrate the full extent of the catalogue of components required for assembly, here is some more quantitative proof:

Yes, that comes to 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 2 + 2 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 2 + 2 + 3 + 2 + 2 + 2 + 4 + 4 + 2 + 2 + 2 + 2 + 4 + 20 + 8 + 4 + 2 + 4 + 10 + 8 + 2 + 3 + 2 + 4 + 22. No less than 147 separate pieces.

Who wants to bet that the end result of my assembly efforts turns out something like Homer's efforts?

Potential Frustration #2: Gas

I actually have some 'patio gas'. I inherited it from my flat's previous owners, with the defunct*** patio heater. Research tells me that it's also the correct type of gas (more luck than judgement there).

Of course, I didn't know how much gas I had inherited. Fortunately, I was able to use SCIENCE and BATHROOM SCALES to calculate that I have 10kg of gas left – about 20 hours of hard-core barbecuing. Obviously my calculations are foolproof, and there's no chance of me running out of gas within the first three minutes of hosting a barbecue-related gathering. Oh no.

I'm more worried about the safety of said gas. According to various warning labels, I'm going to have to connect this old inherited gas cylinder to the thingy, and then "leak test all connections". If I do not, then I could apparently be risking "serious injury, or damage to the barbecue". I also know from experience that burning hair smells horrible, and to be honest I don't have that much hair to spare.

Potential Frustration #3: Suitably Manly Foodstuffs

Right now, the most barbecueable foodstuff I have to hand is some mushrooms. And not the interesting type either. Still I imagine that, based on the previous two frustration-points I doubt I'll be in any position to actually try cooking on the thing this evening anyway. Oh well.

Wish me luck...