Last summer, I decided it was time to upgrade my phone. This doesn't happen very often – I'm normally quite satisfied with relatively out-of-date phones, and can rarely be bothered with the hassle of upgrading.

However, after years of putting it off, I decided that the time had come. (Spurred on, no doubt, by the occasion when I was exchanging phone numbers with a girl I had met on a night out, only to have her laugh in my face when she saw the antiquated state of my equipment.)

While I was at it, I thought I might as well be bold, break the habit of a lifetime, and get a phone that was not a Nokia. Having used Nokia phones since 1995, this felt like rather an adventurous move. And so, after much investigation, I decided on an LG KU990 (a.k.a. 'Viewty').

To cut a long story short, this was a big mistake. I hate the LG Viewty. It is, without any doubt, the worst phone I have ever owned (and I'm including the prehistoric brick that I used in 1995). Sure, it's a pretty touch-screen phone with a 5MP camera and all the bells and whistles that you would expect from a modern phone. But it is also deeply flawed, and really hard to use compared to legendarily usable Nokia phones. I am quite literally counting the days until my contract will allow me to upgrade again, at which point I will run to get another Nokia (or, failing that, anything other than this piece of shit).

In the meantime, in an attempt to offset the psychologically harmful effects that my phone is having on me, I intend to conduct some elementary cathartic therapy by describing the many faults with the LG Viewty, one by one. I get the feeling that this series of posts could run and run.

...

So, one of the things that I hate about my phone is its internet connectivity. I have made occasional (but regular) use of WAP, GPRS and the like for several years now, not least because my network operator (Orange) foolishly put me onto an unlimited data bandwidth plan many years ago, and now cannot contractually remove me from it. Heh. I never used it much, but it was useful when out and about to be able to check TFL travel news, DLR train times, or occasionally my Gmail account. And on all of the previous phones that I've owned since 2000 or so, I have been able to do so with no problem, apart from the occasional bit of slowness.

The LG Viewty should really excel here. Not only is it a 3G phone (a technology that was mastered by most phones several years ago*), it also supports HSDPA (a.k.a. 3G+), which allows 'bastard-fast' internet access. Couple this with its decent resolution colour screen and built-in web browser, and internet access with the Viewty promises to be a liberating experience.

Does it fuck.

A representative summary of the internet access experience on the Viewty looks a bit like this:

This doesn't quite do justice to the experience. If I could somehow make you wait several minutes, with no indication of what the hell (if anything) is happening, before seeing this picture, you might get a better idea of how annoying this is. Now imagine this long-pause-followed-by-error scenario occuring for a random 30% of all web pages that you try to view. Annoying, no?

And before you ask: No, it's not a lack of signal strength – this happens regardless of whether the phone is indicating a full four bars or a mere one. No, it's not just 3G – this happens with equal frequency on Edge and GPRS. No, it's not the fault of my network provider – loathe as I am to defend Orange and their general shittyness, all this stuff worked fine on phones other than the Viewty.

LG Viewty internet access? My. Hairy. Arse.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I have a significant catalogue of gripes about my experience of the LG Viewty, and I'm looking forward to sharing it. More to follow in due couse...