I loooove fall. It means crisp sunny days, changing leaves, all my favorite colors in nature, I can drink tea and cider ALL day long and don my beloved sweaters (I'm a collector). And usually fall is accompanied by me heading back to school.

Last year was my first fall off in 6 years. A fairly easy decision for me with little LB in my arms still (or trying to crawl out of them and scoot across the floor). And while I am happy with my decision not to go back to teaching middle school and instead work part-time from home, the sadness and disappointment came as a surprise to me this year.

It came at the oddest times...As I watched the neighborhood kids madly ride around on their bicycles, trying to soak up the last bits of summer free for alls, when I walked into Fred Myer and was greeted by the back to school displays (I actually stood in the isles for a good 15 minutes soaking it all in when I got a beloved sans-LB shopping trip), when I dropped off some extra supplies at my local elementary and suddenly smelled butcher paper and text books and waxed tile floors. I cried when I thought about all my nervous kids from 3rd through 8th coming through my door on the first day - them never knowing I was just as nervous as them. The satisfied smiles at the end of the day when everything worked out and I would sit in my chair and reflect on the calm before the storm. It seems as though every first day of school I've ever taught has always been sunny and cheerful.

When my friend dropped off her fourth grader and then met me for coffee I grilled her on everything. What did it smell like? A million sharpened pencils? Did the kindergarten parents look sad? Were the kids voices all a loud murmur of excitement and nervousness? Were all the teachers by their doors greeting all the kids? Did he pick out his desk? Did he write his name on his new name tag? Was it so, so wonderful and sad mixed into one?

So I came to terms with it. I'm a little bit of a mess. I miss teaching so much, but not enough to dedicate all my days to it and miss LB that much more. I wish I could just set up my classroom this year, meet my perfect kids, and teach. For a week. Or maybe two. Maybe just until November - LB has hit his toddler stride complete with tantrums and screaming fits...so maybe I wouldn't miss him thaaaaat much. :)

Here's a few of my favorite family members on their first days this week - Kenzie on her first day of kindergarten, and Ellie on her first day too, Dillon is an old pro...